This song makes perfect sense and it does set tone for what I have to say.Kinda Sombre, and not the usual creative outburst I have.This blog is meant to be straight,pure and simple, from the heart, as it does happen to reveal a side that I ve buried within me all this while.I ve been wearing a mask of joy on my face despite all the issues around me.But today, I need to reveal it to the world, because I ve hoped in vain, that the person that this blog is directed to would understand me someday.But,I ve realised that that day will never dawn.

This whole particular week has been extremely crappy for me, both on the physical and mental front.i have been tormented by both physical ailments and in the form of mental constitutionalization of my past misdemeanours.

The amount of regret that I have for past deeds undone has indeed come to bite me in the ass.The amount of pain that i had dished out unknowingly has come out as skeletons from my closet.Past painful memories of childhood, all the pent up aggression in me manifested itself, in hurting Pops.And hurt he was...a lot!!!

Disappointment doth be the most painful weapon of choice- Sir Edgar Allen Poe

Yeah,I regret all the painful things I ve done over this while to him.Even though his only intention was to get me improved, his methods not necessarily were the right ones.It turned out to be counter productive for me.Somewhere, in his strategy for building an empire out of me, his upgrades werent so successful.His harshness,strictness and rude matter of fact, to ur face attitude was what I hated the most.But, whatever said and done,hate makes no excuse to all the stupidities that I hurled at him.I regret every word of unkindness that I ve ruled out to him.I regret every folly I ve made, and wish that if time could be turned, I would go back and correct all my mistakes, and try to achieve whatever he had dreamt for me.His intentions were in the right place, and I was immature enough not to understand his long term goals.

Though I was his golden boy,his first born, he dreamed larger than life dreams for me and he would never tire of dreaming one step bigger for me.

And the truth is, the bigger his dreams were for me, I ended up falling one step short.So, a reasonable degree of success would always result as failurein his eyes.And, yes, I ve always measured myself to success depending on how proud he was of me, until I realised that, it would never reach there because his dreams werre too lofty for me to attain.

The 94%s were never enough, the constant A+s were never god,being a valedictorian at high school was no good either, Being Chess,TT or guitar competition winners werent impressive.Nor was MCing for all major functions, or being quiz champion ever good.He had seen me in a palce noone could touch, and i couldnt do it for him.I see that in his behavior, when Chip hits it more than me.I see that my little achievements could never compare to Chips degree of academic talent.But,me, I m not an academic genius,Im good at stuff, stuff that he would never appreciate.

I saw the realisation in his eyes yesterday, and happy that I am, that he realised his folly, I ll always know in my heart, that I ve failed him yet again, in my decisions.Both of us differ on principles.He wants to be the quintessential indian and wants me to get a government job in a hospital here,and I want to go beyond the boundary and push myself in areas beyond a 8 to 8 job.Sounds stupid, but thats what I am.I dont work the way normal people do.i have dreams, and I wanna achieve my goals.But i want my father beside me, in my dreams, not against it.just the way he s there for my brothers.

I will never be able to go and admit all this to him, because he would never listen or understand, and I think the relationship between me and pops would never set right, but I do want to let anyone that s reading know that, I love my father very much and I appreciate everything that he s done for me.No father would ever do anything, so much for a son.He sacrificed himself for making Me, his dream come to fruition.And as usual, Ive failed to meet his standards.And that disappointment hurts me more than any mortal wound or sickness.I know that he will never be proud of me for what I am.i know that he will never accept me for who I am.I know that my talents will always be a waste of ideals for him.I know that being a doctor [a medical practitioner] will never be achieved, and a second tier dentist will never make him proud.I know that the reason that I avoid him or lie to him, is to not see disappointment in him every time he looks at me

Because the only thing that Aneen Suresh ever wanted to see in his father's eyes was pride, for him.The way it shines when Chip gets his high marks, or Bucky makes his art for him.He spent all his energy on me, only to find disappointment, cos i could never measure up.He has learnt not to measure Bucky or Chip, but he still clings to me, in vain hope, that I might be successful.

Not that I m not, I am a dentist, I am a writer, I am an MC, I can live my life, just not the way he pictured it for me.

I can never open up to my dad, or give him a hug telling him that I love him, because he will never understand me, or what runs in my heart.Because he s too wrapped up in dreaming so much for me, that he cant see the personality I am.

I am different, and he cant accept that I dream to be something else than what he wanted.Am i wrong? I will never know. But, all i know is that, today, when Im running a fever, coughing my brains out, and head splitting in pain, what hurts me most is my dad's disappointed face, when i told him that, I wanted to move out and manage my own stuff.He still thinks of me as his little boy, and this might be rebellion for him, but, for me, I cant have him doing things for me all the time.

He s done his share of work on me, and its time he rested and spent his energy on his other two sons, the ones who need him more than me.I just hope that someday he ll realise of how much his approval meant to me.But he needs to realise that Syddie is an individual, who s a lil bit different, and maybe if he could find it in his heart to accept me the way i am, I d be happy.Because,my winning only makes sense when my dad feels proud.

And that, Syddie is nothing without him.

I love you dad.